Not there yet

I have plenty of time to contemplate here between two worlds. The world I am leaving was companionated, comfortable and cozy. The world I am approaching is unknown. It is a C-130 flight away, I could guess when it would take place but it would an uneducated one, lets just say less than a week.

From this vantage point I can see a wider view of both worlds. My children stand waving goodbye to me from my 'old world'. Their tears stain my soul and tear at my resolve. They clutch me as if I embody their entire existence. To them perhaps I seem to.

My wife sits beside me in that world, holding onto those last shared minutes as if each one were a sparkling treasure, yet they slip from her hand as if they are falling out of her hand into the ocean lost forever, but oh how beautiful those last few minutes remain in our minds and hearts.

I stand with my bags, with only bare glimpses of my new world in my mind. Still standing as bravely as I can muster with my insecurities and questions. I move through them as if they are bullets raining on my downhill, the resistance I face is almost an audible scraping.

The pain is palpable and strong hitting us in waves, tears squeeze out of our closed eyes, we don't want to look all these fears in the face. We find a second of solace in our embrace. I put my wife in the car, heave myself away from her; embrace and embark on my personal journey to another world. She says goodbye and hopes that it isn't the last one.

I sit between now, between two worlds that both hold growth and promise, yet also pain and risk. I juggle emotions, insights, thoughts, beliefs, and dreams.

I know that God has use for me, and hope for what that use might be. I tremble in excitement at the myriad of ways I can be shaped, all the gold that can be excavated from these discoveries, parts of me to be found and once found used to more fully become myself; effecting all the relationships in my life: friends, colleagues, ex-spouses, my children, my wife, my parents, my brothers, my Marines, and so many people that will wash ashore in my life, ready to be heard, ready to be helped back to a life of their own.

Please join me on this adventure. Bring your logic, your irresponsible commitments, and your feelings. Grow with me, through the pain, the loss, the blessings, and the loss.