Separate Celebration

I find myself between two worlds again. Am I wiser for the passage? Am I more useful where it matters? I shed tears at the loss of time with my children, the loss of the memory of touch with my soul mate, and the loss of parts of me that needed to go anyway.

Sacrifices realized less as loss and more as investment. Time and talent laid on the altar of my country, to support our sometimes enigmatic interests. I grasp to find the balance, which sacrifices have been worth it. I believe that sacrifice is always useful but it is worth the loss? I have decided that it is not. Not any longer, no,

Between worlds is fine with me and manageable for my soul mate. The children are the innocent victims. The world's woes assault them in every country of the world, they didn't make any choices, we make the misguided choices for them. I think we have lost sight of what is best for our children. I have numbered myself among those who think children are blessed to get adults to support and provide for them, and that the children need to better realize this. I don't number myself thus any longer.

Our society is so short sighted in this regard. We think teen pregnancy is a problem for women. We think divorce is a serious problem facing married adults. We think abuse only hurts the one getting abused. We think recession, debt, and inflation are adult problems, and that our political accomplishments today get paid for by this generations adults. All these decisions do affect adults, but affect children even so much more.

My children are the innocent victims of my sacrifice for my country. Every one tells them to be proud, and I am sure they are a bit proud of me, but they are hurting inside, pain has a way of aging us beyond our natural years, in this way I believe my children have aged. Will this be good for them? What course will this pain set their life on? I don't know, the only redeeming thing I can say is that I am committed to be there, in every stage of their life.

Between these worlds I get to look at decisions in my life with a kind of detached interest.

I watched my relationship with my soul mate with much interest, not sure of what would happen, in the past deployments were the catalyst that brought even more pain into my married relationships. This time was completely different, deployment became the catalyst to find even deeper intimacy of thought and communication. I have watched as our platonic love and desire have grown far more than I could track. I still stand agape at the strong hearted determination that my soul mate has shown as a mother for our children, though two aren't hers by birth. She has more completely adopted them into her heart than if there were paper to prove it. Respect has also grown, as we have shared the trials albeit through a phone or a computer.

My sacrifices in regards to my children may very well have been recouped by my soul mate's aggressive love and strengthened bonds of friendship with the children, which surely couldn't happen as easily with my presence there. They have leaned on her and found that she is trustworthy. That she is as sturdy in mind and heart as an oak. Her beauty is unmatched in my eyes for many reasons besides these, but I will save those for poems that are just for her.

I do wrestle with many feelings and thoughts about deployment. Some sacrifices make one stronger in character, and not just more cynical. Perhaps these sacrifices of mine...these 21 months have been profitable. What do you think?